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07 July 2009
Posted in
P-Stuff -
Blog
I recently celebrated my 22nd birthday and with that came the staunch realization that from here on out both my already waning memory and my capacity for greatness are most surely on the decline. Before you know it...........30!
Strange that in youth all we long for is to come of age and when the dreaded day does come that you are officially an adult..................you find out possession of Marijuana now warrants possible jail time that can't be brushed off as the misguided nature of what it is to be young. The question is: "Are you longing to go back or willing to take the leap forward?"
Tear yourself away from the pity-party where everyone on the guest list dwells with one foot in the past and one in the present! It was recently put to me by a colleague that my glass is always half empty-I thought that was normal, thankfully being a scholar that learns from trial and error I realized after YEARS OF REDIGESTING PAST REGRETS that there are always better days ahead and good times spent even during (Shudder), High-School.
Narcissism dictates that I share my experience in the hope that someone still traversing the wasteland of social landmines called teenage might see what is left as an extreme game of Hop-Scotch instead. I was ostracized in primary school by my peers because I emote easily and with that mean crocodile tears were shed, that in hindsight must have made me look as though I longed to be bullied. But being the chameleon I am I found that copping-out, stupefying myself and providing comic relief at the expense of others whom were once my brethren.
A Judas is born.
While my secret yearning to stick my head in-between the covers of the brilliance that is Elizabethan literature was done on the sly and then before I knew it-stopped happening altogether. Selling myself short I became the boy with the forked tongue and was well on my way to reaching that ever-elusive and intoxicating dream-the status of "Cool".
A debaser of epic proportions what began as a survival mechanism for the cruelty of youth had slowly seeped its toxic venom into the husk I had farmed after finding the pain-killer, the silence of the serene-Narcotics. Like peaches and cream I was with my poison-basing the very fabric of my existence around something as fickle as a fleeting chemical reaction that comes at a price nonetheless!
By the time my pot-addled and insecure psyche reached the prestigious halls of higher learning I had no clue who I was anymore-at least I wasn't aware I was lost until a serious reality check came my way thanks to Karma forcing me a loving spoonful of divine retribution, both n Gr.8 and Gr.12 I was caught in possession of narcotics and thankfully was not expelled, on the condition that I subject myself to treatment.
Rehab, not in the Amy Winehouse sense of the word either, god knows that skank needs to check herself before she wrecks herself. That aside it was nothing like the movies, other than the all too familiar monotone response "Hi my name is Carl and I'm an addict.". Instead they forced you to reconnect with society after surfing inner-space for so long and when you and your space-capsule crash the wreckage can be enough to make you suck face with a shotgun. Loved ones cast aside by your selfishness and being challenged for the callous acts which brought you to be in that comfortable psychiatric hospital in the first place.
I'm not saying I threw my dope into the sky and leapt for joy-quite the contrary. I struggled for months, neigh years to find myself again. To realize that I am an idealist who won't heed the heckling of neigh-sayers who claim that people can't change-I did. Perhaps change is the wrong way to put it but I reverted to my sensitive, sincere and sane self due to the fact that I was forced to confront the monkey on my back before I had even reached legal drinking age.
I must profess what saddens me is that my tale is bordering on clich because so many suburbanites who, too have the emotional stability of 4 y ear-olds are falling victim to the notion that the world is a cold-hard place where human decency and moral fibre are long gone.
Fuck that!!!
If more people who hardened themselves in order to escape pain could remember the simple joys of stupid things like making a baby laugh or giving a vagrant the spare change or perhaps, dare I say it a few words of conversation before you run back to your life in the lap of luxury-they will be intoxicated by the awe-inspiring beauty that washes over them as they bask in their selflessness.
WITHOUT TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT IT FOR A DEEP SEEDED NEED TO JERK YOUR EGOMANIA OFF WHILST SOMEONE CRADLES YOUR BALLS!
I have done crack, smack, L.S.D and Ecstasy but none can compare to the elation felt when giving of myself freely for no greater reward than a thankful smile-even if it is toothless because in her wayward youth this Homeless person thought a passion gap would help her towards success.
Be warned that if you continue to live a selfish life that before you know it you could be sharing a cardboard-box getting a taste of paradise with the passion of Miriam the MadMadam keeping you warm because you lost all hope in your fellow man.
Just thought I would veer away from journalism and share something that wasn't planned or researched just lived-thou roughly but not to the point of no return-at least not anymore.
Thank you for reading and not shoving me in a padded-cell just yet-keep fighting the forgotten fight of philanthropy you still get to piss people off. Be a mirror for every Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Krishna.....etc. that merely preaches unconditional love without practising it.
"Keep on rocking in the free-world"-Neil Young
